what does it mean to hurt yourself to hurt somebody else to be hurt to hurt. when a child wants to disappear they put their hands in front of their eyes but what if as an adult i blind myself. and what if i tie my hands up only as much as i can hurt you and you can hurt me. what if i put on my own chains and what if i let you hurt me.

what if i kiss you or try to kiss you or you try and kiss me but our lips dont touch. we just breathe into each others space. If i cannot talk can i kiss can i consent to kiss can i kiss to talk. but instead you spit in my face. and i yours. and it feels good. it feels right. what is the difference between right and wrong. and who gets to decide. i pull your hair.

what is the difference between pleasuring humiliation and humiliating pleasure. hateful love and lovely hate. there is so much pain in the world that is not sought. so how do we comprehend the pain that we do seek. the eroticism found in needles and whips and blades. lest repression feed on the entrails of desire never allowed its first breath.

am i sadistic? are you. i hug you. your back is sweaty and my mouth tastes metallic. stealing swallowing silently screaming. you dont talk. i have nothing to say. crying comforting choking confessing. violence is its own language. a way to make you feel a way to punish myself a way to say i love you i way to say i hate myself. i dig my nails into your arm.